Welcome to the life of an American female. Aimlessly wandering the road of youth and adulthood, she shares her tales of growing pains, discoveries and ideas. There might also be a pinch of happiness, a dash of light, and a micro-amount of wisdom within. The author is not liable for any psychological damages you may incur while reading this blog.

The author put it best when she said, "My humor is like a good martini - extra dry and sometimes served dirty."

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

On Shame (A Rant About Sex)

This is beyond sad. 800 babies found dead in a "home" for unwed mothers. If given proper support, these children and their mothers might have lived full, happy lives. Instead, pregnancy/sex was treated with such shame that hundreds of children died, and I'm sure the mothers suffered great mental distress.

Believe it or not, there are still people in the US that feel unwed mothers are shameful beings. No matter the fact that they were having sex -- there is no evidence of their "shame" until they become pregnant. Then they must be forced to feel the full effect of their "shame."

No matter if they are 12, 15, 25, or 30, they must carry this "shame" to term, and then they will be judged on their ability (or lack thereof) to care for the child. They will be judged for working poor-paying jobs that have long hours, and for putting their child in a crowded daycare. They will be judged for accepting WIC and/or food stamps because the money they make barely covers the bills. They will be judged for feeding their child formula because their job doesn't provide support for nursing mothers. They will be judged for feeding their child cheap, canned baby foods because they can't afford organic whatever, and they don't have time to make their own. They will be judged for the way they dress their children. They will be JUDGED.

But they can't have an abortion. That is "MURDER". You know, because having a child you can't provide for and that society will judge you for having is the answer. (More on that another time.)

Before you pick this post apart, I'll give you a few disclaimers. There are many single moms that choose to be that way. There are many others that didn't but managed to do a better job than many two parent homes. But it's hard. It's really hard. And hardly anyone is going to support them.

"Well, they shouldn't have gotten pregnant."

"That's what they get for having sex outside of marriage."

REALLY??????

We need a wake-up call, people.

We need better, more thorough sex education, starting at home and branching to the schools. Stop teaching children that their penises and vaginas are shameful parts of themselves. Private, perhaps, but certainly not shameful. (BTW, stop being afraid to call it a penis or a vagina. That's like being afraid to call your ear an ear or your breast a breast.)

We need more sexual health options available. Mail-order birth control, anyone? Not everyone has transportation to get to the health department every month for that free birth control. And we NEED birth control, and sex education. Why?

Because sex is a biological act. It is driven by primal impulses that are set in motion at the onset of puberty. I promise, no fireworks go off when you do it. No one hits you with a lightning bolt, either.

Ah, yes. That brings us to virginity.

You're not a virgin? Congratulations. You are? Good for you.

You see, virginity is really just a label. It doesn't change who YOU are. You are not "worthless" because you have had sex. You are not "worth more" because you haven't.

If you've ever read the Bible, there was little to no judgment put towards men for having sex. It's like a penis could be stuck in as many holes (so to speak) as it wanted to be, and the man was still "clean," unless, of course, he happened to do it with a woman on her period. THAT was, like, whoa, you're nasty now. Forever and ever nasty. A woman, on the other hand, was only worth as much as her virtue. Once she had lain with a man, it was all over.

Does anyone else see how crazy that is?

I have a daughter. I chose to have her. I was on birth control prior, and I'm back on it again since I don't want a second child right now. I hope to be upfront and honest with my daughter about sex, love, marriage, and all of the other relationship things that come up in life.

Do I hope she "saves herself?" Um...yes and no. I'd like for her to make her own decision, but I hope it's the same one I made. Sex is not just physical -- it's an emotional connection. It takes maturity to handle the feelings that come from it, as well as realizing possible consequences, such as pregnancy or disease. I hope she waits until she finds someone she has a connection with, someone she feels safe and secure with, and also feels that she loves. I hope she's listened to me and remembers potential consequences, and behaves responsibly. And I also hope she trusts me enough to talk to me if she needs someone to talk to.

Do I think she should wait until marriage? No. Marriage is a contract. It's a legally binding document that says you are two people willing to spend the rest of your lives (which none of us actually have any concept of) together, to incur debt together, and to be equally responsible for a household and/or children. A relationship, on the other hand, is two people committed to being together through thick and thin, etc etc. Many people identify marriage as a relationship, but it's not. The relationship should be before the marriage. Otherwise, we might as well go back to arranged marriages.

You truly can't know if you can spend the rest of your life with someone until you've crossed all of the barriers -- emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, and habitual.

Oi, it's time to stop all the judging nonsense and get back to living.

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